I woke up gay

26 Feb

41qb1zsjbql_sl160_aa115_Yesterday morning my friend asked me if I’d like to participate on an LGBT-Q panel at the local community college.  I hesitated. Now generally other people identify me as bi because I’m attracted to both sexes, however I’m not totally comfortable calling myself bi.  Now I’ve thought a lot about this.  I’ve read Lisa Diamond’s book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire (which is excellent and a powerhouse of research on sexuality) and it’s been the topic of my therapy for a couple of years, and yet still….still I hesitate.  This is why:  I’m a late bloomer or probably more accurate, severely repressed (thank you organzied religion).  My one and only sexual encounter was with a woman, a woman I dated for two lesbian years (translation: two lesbian years equals a decade of emotions,feelings and behaviors in straight people time)  Today I sit in the wake of my break up and I’m just wondering why am I still wrestling with all these labels and definitions?  I don’t know if that panel was beneficial for anyone in that class and based on their comments I’m sure it wasn’t, but for me I walked away with that question in mind- why does it matter? Why does it matter to me?  And now I shall indulge you with some of the questions the gay panel was subjected to by these young, brilliant minds.

Does watching gay porn as a child make you gay? Cause I think it does.

My uncle was gay and he talked normal around my dad, but when he was acting gay with gay people he talked with a lisp.  Why do gay people act that way? Why do they pretend to be gay? Oh and he died of AIDS.

I served a mission for my church and this guy I served with became gay after his mission and I’m wondering if living with all those guys for two years made him gay?

I think my friend is gay.  Should I provoke him to come out by telling him I know or that other people know?

sigh.  really?  what a bunch of assholes.


2 Responses to “I woke up gay”

  1. jennifer from pittsburgh March 25, 2009 at 3:13 am #

    I can’t say that I’m much for labels either, but for some reason, the world demands them. The universe doesn’t demand them, and nature certainly doesn’t, but this man’s world sure as shit does. That’s why when I did identify as bi I actually just told my family that I’m a lesbian. I didn’t want them holding out some hope for men. I have been attracted to men, but over my long life I have never once fallen in love with one. To my mind that means that I am never going to be in a sustainable relationship with a man because even if I might find him appealing for a time, I am not going to for the long haul.
    To me, that makes me a lesbian. I fall in love with women. And love makes all the difference.

  2. barbie March 25, 2009 at 5:31 am #

    jennifer- i totally related to your comment. my parents ask me if i’ve met any “nice” boys nearly every time i talk to them. it’s frustrating because….well i cannot say it better, “i fall in love with women. and love makes all the difference.” wise words. thank you for that. now if i could just find a lady!

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