i walked out of that church christmas party a lesbian

7 Jan

meredith baxter decided to publicly announce she was a lesbian on the today show last month. i watched the interview and remembered sitting on the carpet in front of our t.v. as a kid watching her on family ties.  i thought she was the most beautiful mom in the whole world.

and seeing her on that show giving that interview, i saw what a beautiful woman she still is.  she seemed so uncomfortable sitting in that chair, but clearly it was important to her, to have a voice, to say, i am a lesbian.

she talked about how for her, realizing that she wanted to be with women was a real a-ha moment, as though now things made more sense, especially in regards to her relationship with men.  i loved this raw peek into her life and was grateful too because for me i had a similar experience.

last month i happened to be in rural missouri in a church house, surrounded by people i had grown up with, but didn’t know.  people who i am often nostalgic for, food i miss, hymns i wish to hear. but i felt no nostalgia sitting there, i just kept feeling like i didn’t belong.  and then i had a big moment, like fireworks out of my brain big.  it occurred to me that i never belonged.

i never belonged.

and i wasn’t sad. any angst, frustration, hate suddenly melted away as i realized i had been trying so hard to have something, be someone i was never going to be. i don’t want that life.  i don’t want to go to that church, i don’t want a husband.  everything simply made sense for the first time in a long time. and i realized how much i like my life.  i really do.  i like my friends, my family, my beliefs, my habits.  i like them and i’m not interested in changing them to fit an abstract idea that is not conducive to the life i lead or the standards i have.

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One Response to “i walked out of that church christmas party a lesbian”

  1. Janelle January 7, 2010 at 11:29 pm #

    Liked the way you described your experience. And, I’m so happy for your a-ha moment. It sounds peaceful.

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