fridays are fucking fabulous

5 Mar

note my lack of blogging, well that’s because when you are on vacation the whole week is fucking fabulous! i have to say i have really enjoyed watching daytime television, hanging out in lounge pants and experiencing my first snow of the year.  also seeing so many friends that i haven’t seen in far too long.

a couple of days ago i met up with a friend at a coffee shop (and learned a lot more about boba tea then i ever needed to know) we started talking about depression and repression and all that light hearted coffee talk. we were discussing the possibility of depression being a natural part of life, especially when going through a transition. i started thinking about my own relationship with depression and antidepressants.

in my early 20s i was in a bit of a funk, actually it was pretty dark.  it involved me nearly dropping out of college to stay in bed and watch dawson’s creek reruns. a doctor put me on prozac, which i was on for about 5 years.

prozac got me out of bed and back in school, but it also numbed me out. retrospectively, i think it was a crucial time in my life. i really do believe that something was trying to manifest itself that was incongruent with the way i was living my life, which made me sad and i didn’t know how to deal with it. so i pushed it down and took some drugs and wondered why i was never really happy.  i got off antidepressants mostly because i couldn’t afford them. in less then a year i was questioning my religion, my future and  dating a woman. once i finally accepted some things (primarily that i liked women) things started falling into place. i have never been happier and i can say that without being ironic or silly. in fact, people in my life often comment that they’ve never seen me looking this good.  i’m not trying to make a major statement about prozac specifically, or even anti-depressants generally, only that for me i feel like i wasted a lot of time trying to figure out this supposed “chemical” imbalance when i am quite certain it had nothing to do with that whatsoever. it was never an option to be a lesbian. and now, quite simply there is no other option. so here’s to feeling good, loving myself and being generally happy.

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