keepin’ it real

7 May

i have been ignoring this blog.

i believe the reason is three fold:

  1. i caught a little bug called apathy
  2. i’m not sure this blog is going in the direction i wanted
  3. i am not writing this blog for myself. i write it for someone else. an imaginary person. and that is not healthy.

so if i have officially frightened you off and/or convinced you that psychoanalysis and copious amounts of drugs are in order…… well then, TA DA!

so i have decided to earnestly reconsider how i go about this blog. and believe you me, i have no idea what that means. but i do know that i would like to be a bit more personal. and i’m tired of imaginary persons.  you see i suffer from the commonly and over victimized diagnosis of paralyzing fear and paranoia that i will die alone.  i think most people have this fear to some degree.  but i must say it has been a voice in my head for as long as i can remember.

some things to know about me: i am a serial mover. that’s right. it’s impossible for me to stay in one place for longer than about 6 months- a year if i’m very lucky. at first i thought this gypsy like (not meant to be offensive) thing i had going on was based on some predestined path i was supposed to be on.  i was constantly searching and hoping, with god’s help that i would get on that path, stay on it, and ultimately find someone else to join me hand in hand.

well….then i released god from that responsibility. i no longer believe if i’m a certain kind of gal then god will bless me with a certain kind of guy. bleck. finally got over that weird thing and realized i don’t even want the hand i’m holding to be a man hand. but this flailing, this inability to dig roots, this fear now seems to be a bit more metaphysical. meaning my reality is that i’m alone therefore my reality is that i will always be alone. and this causes me to attempt to change my reality on a fairly regular basis, by packing up and going to the next place. but then i always end up in the same place in my head. i might add here that i have a lot of wonderful friends and a lovely family- which means i’m not really alone in the true sense of the word. but i like the word partner. i want a partner.

i was in love once. and it was awful but it was also beautiful. but mostly awful. i took away a lot from that experience, the most predominant thing being that it felt right having someone close to me. it felt right being around a person i loved. i loved her so much, my stomach would flutter every time i heard her walking down the stairs. i missed her sleeping next to me so much that i really don’t think i slept for months after it was all over because i physically ached to be next to her. i actually think i fell a little bit in love with her the first moment i saw her. there are things about her that seem etched in my mind, like how her hands looked or the way she rubbed her eyes. and you know, the reality is, ours was not this big love story. it wasn’t blissful. it was hard. and it was painful. and she hurt me.  and looking back i’m a little ashamed that i let that go on. but i’m also happy that i got to experience this kind of love that really is blind. there is something dangerous, very dangerous about that and yet there is also something very sweet and quite beautiful about it too. yes, i think she loved me. but it was never right, i just yearned for it to be so. and so i stayed and went back or answered the phone or did what most of us are guilty of doing at one point or another when the option we face is quite bleak: take-out for one.

i know love isn’t this perfect entity that only the lucky and the beautiful get to partake in. and i also know that i can no longer base my actions or my fear of taking certain moves (even if that means staying put) on this precipice of finding the love of my life. i do know that this is layered and it’s going to take some time. i could not have written this a month ago. i would not have been able to talk about being alone. or how i once was not alone. this entry is entirely and completely written to me- goodbye imaginary person i’m about to start keepin it real.

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One Response to “keepin’ it real”

  1. janelle May 7, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    I’m excited to read more as you take this blog down a new road.

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