um….

20 May

i have a question. how did i get here?

so i joined a bookclub. i have been known to do this periodically. i love books. i mostly like people. clubs are fun and remind me of the 5th grade (in a good way). this time it is a lesbian book club. which sounds like even more fun to me. so i’m sitting innocently in said bookclub when somehow the topic turns to marriage. to a man. and i’m asked if i have ever been married. the answer is no. in case you didn’t know i want to clarify the answer is a resounding NO. and then it turns out i am the only one present that has not been married to a man. the only one. in a roomful of lesbians. oh. my. god.

so have you ever had those vortex moments , kind of like tunnel vision and swooshing noises happen framing you in a slack jaw, wide eyed expression? yeah. so i’m sitting in roomful of lesbians, as previously stated, realizing that just because these women identify as lesbian, I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with these people. in fact, i probably have more in common with people from the church congregation i grew up in, who mostly believe i’m going to hell. because a few of these women are still married. and have girlfriends. and i’m not trying to be judge judy or whatevs, but i happen to come with some of my own baggage and trust stuff revolving around relationships on the side, so…..

i’m in my car driving home and i kind of feel panicky thinking is it possible to find someone like myself? sure i wasn’t out when i was 15 years old, but i lived my life in a way that is fairly congruent with the person i am today. i sort of feel like we don’t change that much and yes, of course we all make mistakes, and do weird things, but if we are in the habit of not being true to ourselves and hurting people along the way, i don’t feel like that suddenly changes when you come out. i think you still continue in that cycle and hurt people, even if it’s unintentional. i have spent the majority of my life trying to figure out how to make myself happy and get my needs met and not trample on others in the process. it’s common courtesy in my mind. and confusion and fear and maybe even repression- these are not good enough reasons to drag others through a bad marriage.

i might eat my words later. but sitting in that room last night, slightly irritated, slightly fascinated, but mostly silent gave me the audacity to write it how i saw it. it’s crazy how some things are not made up.

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3 Responses to “um….”

  1. Danika the Lesbrarian May 22, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    Wow, that would definitely be an odd experience. I know a lot of lesbians come out late in life, but that all of them had been married to men first? It seems so unlikely.

    • barbie May 23, 2010 at 8:48 am #

      Danika- i know. blank stare. it was weird. anyhoodles, i checked out your blog and it’s wonderful! A huge undertaking and i love it! I will be back.

  2. rosessupposes July 1, 2010 at 1:12 am #

    I think it’s cause one attracted another and the host started a meetup group for folks in her situation and so forth and so on.

    Though, i don’t think everyone in the room had been married. I know one of the older women had been partnered for a very long time (her partner is now in a home with Alzheimers. And a couple of the middle-aged folks have been lesbians the whole time. You missed a super cute Latina (about 25 or younger) who is doing MA research on gays in Mexico last bookclub. The host said that when she joined, she was scared to even mention being still married. So I think the culture of the book club swings various ways a lot.

    All of which is to say–I can see why you’d be creeped out!

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