Archive | June, 2010

King Kong Theory

30 Jun

an excerpt from Virginie Despentes’s book King Kong Theory, one of the best books i’ve read in awhile:

So I am writing here, as one of the left-overs, one of those weirdos, the ones who shave their heads, those who don’t know how to dress, those who worry that they stink, those who have rotten teeth, those who don’t know how to go about things, are never given presents by men. those who will fuck anyone who’ll have them, the fat tarts, the skinny sluts, those whose cunts are always dry. those who have big bellies, those who would rather be men, those who behave as if they were men, those who think they’re porn queens, who don’t give a damn about guys but who are interested in their girlfriends, the ones with big assess and thick, dark body hair they don’t wax, brutish, noisy women, who destroy everything that gets in their way, those who don’t like perfume shops, whose red lipstick is too red, who haven’t got the figure to dress like hookers and yet desperately want to, women who want to wear men’s clothes and a beard in the street, those who want to show it all, those whose shyness is due to their hang-ups, those who don’t know how to say no, those who are locked up in order to be controlled, women who are scary, pitiful ones, women who don’t turn men on, those with flabby skin and face full of wrinkles, those who dream of plastic surgery, of liposuction, of having their noses broken so it can be reset but can’t afford it, women who look like the back of a bus, those who can only rely on themselves for protection, who don’t know how to comfort others, who couldn’t care less bout their kids, those who like to get drunk in bars and collapse on the floor, women who don’t behave. And in the same vein, while I’m at it, I’m writing for men who don’t want to protect, men who would like to be protective but don’t know where to start, men who don’t know how fight, those who cry easily, those who aren’t ambitious, competitive, well-hung or aggressive, men who are fearful, timid, vulnerable, men who prefer looking after their home to going out to work, men who are fragile, bald, too poor to be attractive, men who’d like to be fucked, men who don’t want to be counted on, men who are scared to be alone at night. Because this idea of the attractive but not whorish white woman, in a good marriage but not self-effacing, with a nice job but not so successful she outshines her man, slim but not neurotic over food, forever young without being disfigured by the surgeon’s knife, a radiant mother not overwhelmed by diapers and homework, who manages her home beautifully without becoming a slave to housework, who knows a thing or two but less than a man, this happy white woman who is constantly shoved under our noses, this woman we are all supposed to work hard to resemble–never mind that she seems to be running herself ragged for not much reward–I for one have never met her, not anywhere. My hunch is that she doesn’t exist.

music mommas

28 Jun

riddle me this: what terrible tv program is much, much better when you are 3/4 through a bottle of chardonnay?

the real l word.

i know, i know i had a complete diatribe about how awful the show was, but i was sitting on my couch with cramps and i made myself this fabulous meal and opened up a really cheap bottle of wine from trader joe’s with nothing to watch and then it just happened, as these things do.

anyway….that really has nothing to do with today’s post. today i’m thinking a lot about some things. primarily this: i know nothing. and right when i think i do i get a big slap in the vagina. i have this bad habit that i’ve developed lately. you see i was raised to think in black and white terms. it’ either black or white. good or bad. you’re with me or you aren’t. and it’s been a struggle for me to break that down into gray terms. i’m only just realizing how polarized my thinking is and how that has infected all aspects of my life. for example, i like to break up with people. i have no problem walking away from someone when i feel there is nothing more i can gain from the relationship. which, in all honestly is completely unfair to the other person.

i have a confession to make. i’m a runner. not in the athletic way of course (duh). i can’t help myself, but i have to be on the move. i always tell people i’m leaving. nothing is permanent in my life, because i am constantly working towards my next step. and then there is this other thing: for a really good communicator, i don’t communicate so well. i hold stuff in, i don’t say what i should. when i’m hurt i keep it to myself and i let it sort of go for too long and then one day i just can’t take it anymore and i bolt. there will be a small explosion and then peace, i’m out. with very little explanation and this isn’t really fair.

i recently reconnected with someone that fell victim to my guerrilla like tactics. long story short: i felt under-appreciated and decided that although we had been friends for many years, perhaps we had finally grown apart. then he told me that no matter what, he knew that because of our history together, there was no doubt in his mind that we would reconnect. we had been through far too much together. and he was right. who was i to just throw away something that had existed for over a decade? a jerk, that’s who. and there are other victims. albeit, not as close, but still- they are out there and to be honest, i’m not sure where to begin. how about here:

Show me forgiveness
For having lost faith in myself
And let my own interior up
To inferior forces
The shame is endless
But if soon stars forgiveness
The girl might live

thanks bjork. you are definitely a fave music momma. featured more then once which makes you more like a queen momma or eve momma.

fridays are fucking fabulous

25 Jun

what a week.

first of all, possibly the greatest television program ever written ended on sunday.

it was sexy. it was vengeful and hard to watch at times. but always entertaining. of course, the show was at it’s best when anne boleyn (played by the gorgeous natalie dormer) donned the television screen. the show had sustenance and appeal. in my opinion it accurately portrayed politics, which has often and almost always been run by the whims of men and their desire for power.

sadly tudors was followed by the real l word. um. not quite sure what to say here. well actually i have a lot to say. first of all could we get any more waspy and privilaged? i know, i know there is a latina and a jew. come on this is l.a., a major metropolitan city! there is a little bit of ethnicity here. but seriously, the labels that were flying around all willy nilly, as if these women were actually teaching america something about lesbos. nope. you aren’t helping. the fact is this: we are gay. and we are not exactly full citizens because of that. if you are in the public eye, proclaiming to be on a show that depicts the real lives of lesbians, you better fucking do that. do not fill it with fluff, meaningless sex, shallow and numerous bar scenes and think that by mentioning- that’s right just slipping in a comment about how your marriage is not recognized in this state, is enough because you were wrong. you have not done enough and in fact, you may have even caused damage. at the end of this crap fest, i turned to my roommate and said, my god every blessed lesbian feminist that lived and fought for so much of what we have 45 years ago just died a little bit. hey chaiken, we don’t need this backwards step- barb wire was enough.

this weekend will be all about enjoying the beginning of summer, seeing some family and friends and rejoicing that i am no longer a slave to showtime.

letting it all hang out

23 Jun

how do we feel about day dream fantasies? it makes me feel a little crazy. and then afterwards a little depressed. so why do i indulge? brett kahr wrote who’s been sleeping in your head? i have not yet read this book, but i do know that he writes that fantasies and daydreams reflect the unconscious needs. which i can get into it.

usually i start a little fantasy in my head because i’m bored. or lonely. or tired and can’t fall asleep (which happens a lot). so i start getting creative. and mostly my little daydream fantasies involve another person, who is either faceless or untouchable. for example, this morning i start thinking about a friend. is that weird? and this friend is of the male sex. also weird? admittedly i’ve always sort of liked him. i think. you see this is where it gets confusing in my head. i know i like women. men…i’m mostly on the fence with. so when they do enter my mind it is usually for, to put it bluntly- the cock. and even weirder…. baby making. okay so here i am, it’s very early in the morning because i don’t sleep in, but unwilling to get out of bed so i just let my mind wander. i start thinking about what it would be like to sleep with said friend. these thoughts are not completely unwarranted. we did see each other out at a club over the weekend. we chatted (about women), we drank, we danced, we stimulated sex…. i know, weird. hard to explain. anyhoodles, not completely unwarranted.  okay so i’m laying in bed and i have this whole thing practically scripted out. we are at his house, maybe we are both a bit intoxicated, perhaps i take a little shower. we are laughing and joking and oh there it is, we are going to fuck. doesn’t matter cause i’m moving away soon, if things are weird between us all we’ll have is facebook and the rest is history. until….! unexpectedly find out i am pregnant! and now the the story takes a different turn. will i move back here? will i tell my friend? will he want to see child? can i do it on my own? do paternal grandparents want to meet their only grandchild? do i free him of child support?

oh. my. god.

you see what happens? suddenly i become straight and i’m living in the suburbs. suddenly the life i narrowly escaped flashes before my eyes and then magically it all disappears and i am here, gay, single, in my bed, blogging. all is right in the world. damn you unconscious needs.

music mommas

22 Jun

well! all this time has just flown past! besty came to town and we spent a lot of the bachelorette weekend down at the beach, then there was father’s day and summer solstice…. so much to catch up on. because i’m feeling all summery and warm how about some neko case? a little more then a year ago i saw her in concert. it was a rather cool summer night and i cuddled with a friend in blankets, drank peche beer and was amazed by the booming of case’s voice, which is powerful and clean. i decided to post her singing i wish i was the moon tonight. it’s one of my faves because it’s subtle and case’s voice is dreamy and romantic. perfect for a solstice.

she’s pretty.

and fierce

in a truck

and a little naked

don’t be coy with me, you are in no position

16 Jun

there’s just a lot going on! we’ve got the prop 8 trial wrapping up today in the state of california. a word on this: it seems to me this trial has really been about whether the state should regulate marriage. in other words making “gay marriage” a private issue, rather then a state institutionalized one.

yawn. i feel a little bored by that argument.

i mean marriage is marriage. it is inherently institutional. an invention of religion. we, i mean many, many people have tried to romanticize marriage and consumerize marriage, and yes many have taken god out of their ceremonies, but we cannot pretend that it wasn’t born out of and continues to be part of the patriarchal society in which we live.

so we gays are asking to be a part of that. yikes!

okay now you know my true feelings. on the other hand by not allowing me the same advantages that some married couples may enjoy, even if that is the ability to call the person i love my spouse, then you are denying me (i say me, even though i don’t mean me cause i don’t want to get married, but you know what i’m sayin) of a liberty that another person may enjoy and that is not very nice.

now that i’ve explained my thoughts on “gay marriage” i should also say that even though i’m not so hip to the idea of getting married i do believe in fighting for something that others should fairly enjoy, if they so choose.

and also it really pisses me off when the mormon church gets involved. cause guess what? you kind of fucked me up and your definition of marriage gets really weird. i mean should we get into the fact that polygamy has been officially abolished on earth, but in heaven….well that’s a different story. gross.

support your local art theater cause it will probably have a showing of: 8 the Mormon Proposition.

nobody does a parade like we do a parade

14 Jun

i had such a fabulous weekend. it needed to be documented further. the weather was fabulous, my freckles got tan. friends were in from out of town. drinks were shared. so much walking. it’s good to be gay.

aw well it’s just so nice to see all the flags.

some sort of gay super hero

yup. butterflies. en masse.

this aztec guy was the highlight of the parade for me. uhmazing. look at those feathers!!

sharon and kelli!

these people are always here with their loud speakers. and then some gays like to engage in “conversation” with them, for whatever reason which is entirely lost on me. we get it. you are gay and you hate yourselves so you have to come bible thump on our parade. boring.

me and my no hater chest, and believe me this temporary tattoo not so easy to get on that late in the day, but we did it (group effort for sure) and later at the 7/11 i was asked if that was a real tattoo, so yeah nuff said.

this guy….he just doesn’t give a fuck and i think that is the best way to end my pride 2010 post.

your welcome.

fridays are fucking fabulous

11 Jun

let’s have some pride. and just so you know pride actually means this:

pride |prīd|noun1 a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

and gay pride is a concept of feeling pride about one’s sexuality. so i don’t know if i actually have gay pride per se. i’m not ashamed, so one need not think that is the issue. and i get that this is symbolic and it represents a fight or a war to be more accurate that is still on going. i believe in recognition and i believe in fighting for a cause and i believe in loving myself, but pride is this really interesting word. it actually has some pretty deep rooted negative connotations, especially for those of us who were raised religious.  but i’m gonna go with it. i’m going to be prideful. not prideful in the sense that i wear very little clothing and paint my body to walk down santa monica blvd, but pride in that i will stand up for what i believe.

so today i went to lunch with a work friend. you know the type, they are great, but you only go out to lunch a few times a year. so you keep it pretty general. today she was asking me about “boyfriends” and what “my plans are” and normally i just smile and say, “no boyfriends for me.” but today i decided to go for it. cause i’m proud? i still don’t know about that word, but i’m not ashamed. and i do have a feeling of satisfaction when i tell someone i’m gay especially when they put their arm around me and say, thanks for telling me that. i feel like i know you better now.

happy gay pride everybody!

sexy time (perhaps too sexy to read at work)

8 Jun

have you ever filmed yourself? you know, having sex or masturbating? i think it’s an interesting idea. like what makes someone want to do that? so from time to time i like to watch a little free online amateur porn. and i think to myself, someone actually thought this was okay to post on the internet for the entire world to be it’s judge? part me feels like that is awesome and part of me feels like it is completely insane. and then there is the part that is happy somebody’s doing it.

so yes, i’ve filmed myself but it certainly wasn’t to post on the internet. it wasn’t to send to someone. i don’t get off on watching myself. it was based more on insecurities. i just wanted to make sure i wasn’t doing anything weird. like yucky faces or odd body contortions. and then when i think about that, it’s kind of sad. like who fucking cares what i look like? why would i even worry about that? am i comparing myself to people who shave their whole bodies, inflate their breasts with silicone and deprive themselves of carbs? porn is such an odd thing. in one way it is great, it serves it’s purpose and helps me do what i like to do best but on the other hand sometimes it really grosses me out. and seriously why isn’t there more real lesbian porn out there? but look what i did find….

by an artist called ruby42, here is her etsy shop. that is some fun stichin’!

music mommas

7 Jun

scissor sisters. they are pretty much rad just because of their name, which yes, in case you were wondering is an homage to a lesbian sex act. (writing that felt really 1950s- lesbian sex act). they are just this really fun band that doesn’t seem to take themselves too seriously. with super fun songs, like i don’t feel like dancin and can’t say tits on the radio. plus they have some openly gay band members, which i always appreciate. also a real pretty front lady, ana matronic. she herself, has an interesting story. her parents divorced when she was younger as her dad was gay and tragically died due to complications with AIDS. sad.

whenever i put on one of their songs it take me to a different time in my life.  not sure how to explain it, but it’s this fun early 20s time, traveling and going to clubs, donning lots of glitter and trying my damnest to figure out my own style and way. i like how this band is a throw back to fun glam rock and plays around with gender. par example from she’s my man:

She’s my man
And we got all the balls we need
When you taste that pavement
You’re amazed
She smells your sympathy
So bye bye ladies
May the best queen hold the crown
For the most bush sold on the levee

this dress absolutely slays me. she’s such a cool lady with such cool style. and fyi scissoring is rad.