music mommas

28 Jun

riddle me this: what terrible tv program is much, much better when you are 3/4 through a bottle of chardonnay?

the real l word.

i know, i know i had a complete diatribe about how awful the show was, but i was sitting on my couch with cramps and i made myself this fabulous meal and opened up a really cheap bottle of wine from trader joe’s with nothing to watch and then it just happened, as these things do.

anyway….that really has nothing to do with today’s post. today i’m thinking a lot about some things. primarily this: i know nothing. and right when i think i do i get a big slap in the vagina. i have this bad habit that i’ve developed lately. you see i was raised to think in black and white terms. it’ either black or white. good or bad. you’re with me or you aren’t. and it’s been a struggle for me to break that down into gray terms. i’m only just realizing how polarized my thinking is and how that has infected all aspects of my life. for example, i like to break up with people. i have no problem walking away from someone when i feel there is nothing more i can gain from the relationship. which, in all honestly is completely unfair to the other person.

i have a confession to make. i’m a runner. not in the athletic way of course (duh). i can’t help myself, but i have to be on the move. i always tell people i’m leaving. nothing is permanent in my life, because i am constantly working towards my next step. and then there is this other thing: for a really good communicator, i don’t communicate so well. i hold stuff in, i don’t say what i should. when i’m hurt i keep it to myself and i let it sort of go for too long and then one day i just can’t take it anymore and i bolt. there will be a small explosion and then peace, i’m out. with very little explanation and this isn’t really fair.

i recently reconnected with someone that fell victim to my guerrilla like tactics. long story short: i felt under-appreciated and decided that although we had been friends for many years, perhaps we had finally grown apart. then he told me that no matter what, he knew that because of our history together, there was no doubt in his mind that we would reconnect. we had been through far too much together. and he was right. who was i to just throw away something that had existed for over a decade? a jerk, that’s who. and there are other victims. albeit, not as close, but still- they are out there and to be honest, i’m not sure where to begin. how about here:

Show me forgiveness
For having lost faith in myself
And let my own interior up
To inferior forces
The shame is endless
But if soon stars forgiveness
The girl might live

thanks bjork. you are definitely a fave music momma. featured more then once which makes you more like a queen momma or eve momma.


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