fridays are fucking fabulous

i go to san francisco tonight. some things i love about sf:  drizzle, my friend’s bathtub, this one store in japan town, MOMA, many rainbow flags, sourdough bread, that house that is in the shot of Full House opening credits. i could go on. but everyone knows, it’s a great town. and i’m lucky i get to go there as often as i do. so i may be hanging out, looking at some art, lounging on the couch drinking some red wine or possibly down at the pier eating overpriced food, but no matter what you can count on me having a good time.

have a good memorial day weekend!

poppa and preachin’

what is a gayish blog doing if it has not yet blogged about glee? sigh. so here it is: glee is a show that i sometimes like and sometimes hate. i like that it’s out there. i like that it talks about sexuality. i like that there are gay actors that play gays (and straights for that matter). i like that there is music and drama and costume. i think it’s fun. and when i was in high school most of my friends were in the drama department. to clarify- i was not. but i did hang out over there a lot. so let’s just say i have glee tendencies. on the other hand, sometimes i do not find the show very entertaining. i don’t always like the “plots” or the music or dialogue. for me, sometimes it hits it, sometimes it doesn’t. last night, it hit it. (well with the exception of that beth song-booring).

fag.

it’s a word with baggage. and it was said last night on primetime television. now there are a lot of opinions about the semantics of name calling and sexuality and teenage jargon and i could go on and on, but the point is this: we are responsible for the words that come out of our mouths. i’m not sure how well this scene plays out of context, but know this: any parent should take the time to provide a safe and comfortable place for their child and kurt’s dad makes it clear that this is his priority.

don’t worry, finn is a good boy and shows what a sport he is by donning gaga garb later on in the show.

oh hi

what’s up missy?

i’m a fan. i like your vest. and i just so happen to think you are super hot, mostly because i saw your movie stick it and besides being very witty, sporty and a coming of age story that has nothing to do with the girl getting the guy, you looked good, real good.  i may be the only person on earth who saw this movie in the theater, bought the dvd and listened to the commentary, which is a shame because in all sincerity it is a very good movie. missy worked out with gymnasts on a scary gymnast compound for four months. she ate a special low carb diet and participated in a grueling 4-6 hour work out session daily. fortunately, we have the results recorded. the following is a scene i have watched a bazillion times. (i apologize in advance for the crack rock speed in which is plays- don’t know how to slow it down, but at least you see what i mean). you might have to click on it for it to start moving.

it’s a pretty well known fact that i like tweeny type movies. i like it when they are girl power movies with messages about loving yourself and accepting others. i suppose i don’t feel like i really had movies like that when i was a kid. or girls that looked like missy peregrym for that matter. i like girls that eat too.

so thanks Jessica Bendinger for directing AND writing a fabulous film. and a big thanks for introducing me to miss missy.

harvey milk day

it’s true. it was harvey milk day yesterday. may 22nd, which would have been harvey milk’s 80th birthday. president obama awarded milk the presidential medal of freedom last summer. in a way, forcing governor schwarzenegger to sign sentator mark leno’s harvey milk day bill– which he had previously vetoed.

the day was marked with advocacy and celebration. some of which i was able to take part in. equality california hosted a small party at the home of sharon and kelli osborne.

sharon osborne and state senator mark leno:

daniele sea (swoon!) and kelli osborne:

mom and daughter (tout sweet!):

stuart milk, harvey’s nephew, spoke about his work around the world. he stressed the importance of making this a global cause. and how, as we know, in some countries being gay is punishable by death.

i recently stumbled upon this new movie called Cul de Sac (thanks to girlfriendisahomo.com). this movie is closely related the actress kiana firouz’s actual life. by making this movie and living as an “out” lesbian currently in the UK, she has put her life in danger. she applied for asylum in the UK which was denied, including two subsequent appeals. should kiana be deported she fears she will be imprisoned, flogged, tortured, and killed- due to the negative light in which the film protrays the current regime in iran.

you can sign an online petition here for kiana.

um….

i have a question. how did i get here?

so i joined a bookclub. i have been known to do this periodically. i love books. i mostly like people. clubs are fun and remind me of the 5th grade (in a good way). this time it is a lesbian book club. which sounds like even more fun to me. so i’m sitting innocently in said bookclub when somehow the topic turns to marriage. to a man. and i’m asked if i have ever been married. the answer is no. in case you didn’t know i want to clarify the answer is a resounding NO. and then it turns out i am the only one present that has not been married to a man. the only one. in a roomful of lesbians. oh. my. god.

so have you ever had those vortex moments , kind of like tunnel vision and swooshing noises happen framing you in a slack jaw, wide eyed expression? yeah. so i’m sitting in roomful of lesbians, as previously stated, realizing that just because these women identify as lesbian, I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with these people. in fact, i probably have more in common with people from the church congregation i grew up in, who mostly believe i’m going to hell. because a few of these women are still married. and have girlfriends. and i’m not trying to be judge judy or whatevs, but i happen to come with some of my own baggage and trust stuff revolving around relationships on the side, so…..

i’m in my car driving home and i kind of feel panicky thinking is it possible to find someone like myself? sure i wasn’t out when i was 15 years old, but i lived my life in a way that is fairly congruent with the person i am today. i sort of feel like we don’t change that much and yes, of course we all make mistakes, and do weird things, but if we are in the habit of not being true to ourselves and hurting people along the way, i don’t feel like that suddenly changes when you come out. i think you still continue in that cycle and hurt people, even if it’s unintentional. i have spent the majority of my life trying to figure out how to make myself happy and get my needs met and not trample on others in the process. it’s common courtesy in my mind. and confusion and fear and maybe even repression- these are not good enough reasons to drag others through a bad marriage.

i might eat my words later. but sitting in that room last night, slightly irritated, slightly fascinated, but mostly silent gave me the audacity to write it how i saw it. it’s crazy how some things are not made up.

music mommas

i went to this ballet over the weekend, which was kind of great with some less great moments. one great moment was that sonya tayeh was sitting four rows in front of me as one of her choreographed pieces was being featured. she’s just so….cool. like super cool. there is probably a less lame way to express how i feel about her, but it’s like when you were in high school in the early 90s and flannel and combat boots were only being worn by a couple of people. and you’d sit on the steps outside eating your sack lunch, watching them smoke cigarettes thinking to yourself, they’re cool and ballsy. i’m not.

“I am naturally aggressive and I just wanted to challenge them and challenge myself,” said tayeh and yes her pieces are intriguing because they are just that, aggressive. and intense. the music she chooses is so integral to the actual performances that it goes beyond anything i’m used to seeing on stage.  it’s as if it all becomes one giant piece of media art, with dancers, costumes, lighting and music.

when i was a wee lass, i would wish on a star every night that i would become a dancer….that didn’t actually work out. i could just never commit. anyhoodles, so sonja is this amazing, hot, creative performer and more of a dance momma then a music momma, but she’s inspiring today’s post because she used this really intense bjork/astor piazzolla (tango type song) mash up. which was almost difficult to listen to, but also amazing. how is that possible? not sure, but this lady made it happen:

note her bjork shirt. and here’s video of icelandic goddess or as i like to call her the original furrie:

You are so good you made the Mathmos vomit!

i’ve had three people tell me they are engaged this week and one close friend had her first baby last night. is it weird that my reaction to all of these is nausea? i really don’t think it’s because i’m that bitter or jealous. it completely freaks me out. on a serious kind of level. it’s so intense for me right now that friday cannot be fucking fabulous. at all.  i would love to curl up inside myself, with a very stiff drink and hide. yeah, you see something is going on there. maybe it’s panic. fear. or just simply feeling left behind.

death by marriage

my besty is getting married.

we have been friends since junior high. i remember those days. it was such a typically yucky time in my life. my family had just moved and i felt lost. we had been renting a large home that even with four kids we couldn’t fill up.  and then times were hard, my dad’s job changed and we had to move.  it was just up the street, but it was a different kind of place. the home was actually an old radio station, converted into a a tiny little house. my great great aunt had lived in it. pink bricked and located on the busiest street in our small town. i was ashamed. it was termite infested and located next to a grocery store. the semi trucks would reverse into their spots during the late night, shaking my window and me out of my slumber. the walls in my bedroom were covered in this weird almost branch like wall paper. it was scratchy and brown and felt dirty. it was a cold house.

then i met my besty. she was a skinny little thing that wanted to be my friend. she lived in the neighborhood and was a year younger then me. i started walking to the bus stop with her. in the beginning it was probably more out of necessity then desire to have her as a friend. but she was persistent.

when my family moved again she stayed in contact. wrote me letters, called and came to visit every summer. she turned into a beautiful woman. stunning actually. and kind. quiet, but fiercely smart. when i decided it was time to come out she was one of the first people i told. i was so scared. we went to mcdonald’s. naturally. and i told her. she was perfect. absolutely perfect.

she has been so much a part of my life in a way that few friends have been. she has gone on family vacations to lake powell with us. helped with my sister’s wedding. been my roommate. we’ve played cards for hours. we reinvented the art of making quiche. pedicures. tears. boyfriends. girlfriends. she will even watch disney movies featuring “the rock” with me. i tell you there are not many like her. she has been through it all with me. and i am so scared that will change. but i suppose it must change. i want her to be happy.

i guess a part of me always wanted that house with a white picket fence to be shared with her.

music mommas

my brother and i were talking. okay we were i-chatting- close enough. and the topic turned to: if your house (translate: crappy rented apartment) was on fire, what is the one thing you would save? duh. my macbook. it’s my favorite thing in the whole world. i love it. i love that i got a good deal on it. i love that it’s never caused me any problems. i love that it is 2 years old and still feels brand new. i blog from it. i have lots of memories captured in photos kept on it. i write from it. i work from it. it basically fulfills me on a psychological, emotional and let’s face it even on a physical level at times. so i would grab my macbook and a bathrobe, because i feel like if my place were to catch on fire, it would be at night or at another vulnerable time, like when i’m just getting out of the shower. anyway, i would save the laptop and then report it damaged to the insurance company so that i could get a desktop and then i would have two computers. but i don’t have renter’s insurance, so that won’t ever happen- besides it’s fraud. and barbarella is a lot of things but she’s no fraud. just dreamin.’

speaking of fire….what about [the] arcade fire? i was sitting at the starbucks yesterday type, typing away on my laptop and listening to some old mixes i made, which was helping me quantum leap back into the time period of which i was writing about. side note, i was really multi-tasking because i also had to pretend i was listening to the insane guy sitting next to me, who may or may not have been homeless, but was definitely off his rocker and really, really wanted to have a conversation(s) with me. that’s what happens when you go out in public i guess.

so i was writing, half listening and searching out old tunes when i decided to put on the arcade fire. mostly cause i knew it would drown out the crazy next to me real well. i haven’t listened to their albums so much lately, but as i said, was revisiting a different time in my life and god they are a good band. real good. definitely on my life soundtrack and fortunately they will be releasing new songs this summer. Check out their gorgeous neon bible video. by post-modern terms, an oldie but a goodie

you’re a rocker Régine Chassagne and i like that

is barbarella any good on sunday night?

it can be. it sure can be. and to be honest it normally involves beer.

so, have you tried this?

cause it changed my life today. a very pretty boy waiter convinced me to try it, so of course i didn’t trust him, because what does he know? and when the beer came out i saw that it was a bit darker then i normally like. i like ’em blonde, what can i say? with trepidation i took a small taste and then happiness and love unfolded in my mouth. henceforth on the seventh day there shall be drifter’s pale ale.

sometimes stereotypes based on gender or sexuality make me cringe, but there are few i’m down with. lesbians like beer.