bustin it out

i love the magazine bust. it’s just so normal and quite frankly i fit their demographic. i especially love it when they throw portia de rossi on the cover. thank you! but there was a very interesting [READ: disturbing] article appropriately titled, Like a Virgin in this past issue.  basically, and i’m just gonna break it down here with all my own bias- it’s about virgins who are feeling really guilty about masturbating or watching porn so they invented a support group to recover from their sinful behavior. women. this is for women.

you all know how i feel about porn. i like it. it serves it’s purpose. is it my favorite? no. do i masturbate? hell yeah. would i rather have sex with a girlfriend? yeah, i would but even when i do that doesn’t stop me from touching myself. now this whole idea of porn addiction is just a little ridiculous to me. don’t get me wrong, i’m not going to discount “addiction.” i work with people dealing with addiction and i get it, if it’s affecting your relationships, interfering with work or leisure activities, and taking up most of your time- yeah you are probably addicted. but if you are just trying to get off every now and again, or even every day and it’s not affecting any of the above, guess there’s nothin wrong with it, is there?

well clearly i’m not the religious right which will have you believe that your body is evil. that pleasure leads to evil and that sex outside of the confines of a marriage between a man and a woman is absolutely forboden.

what i want to say to these women in “recovery” is this: ladies, ladies, please just relax and fuckin enjoy the ride.

skins

yes i’m late to the game, i realize that. but i am a working professional.

i like to say that to people and see how they react. I AM A WORKING PROFESSIONAL. meaning it’s 4am and i am not going to village inn with you. the normal response is: so am i! (side note: this is not usually true on their part unless you count working retail as your chosen career. but who am i to judge?)

anyway, this is also the reason why i am usually behind on what’s cool or what was cool a few years ago. now i’m talking skins UK version, i have yet to see the MTV version, give me a couple more years.

but this show is basically a rated X Dawson’s Creek. this is awesome because dawson’s creek got me through some dark months in my early 20s when it went into syndication and it is also awesome because i may be going through some dark months right now. so bring on the more grown up -READ: accurate- portrayal of teenage life.

that kid from about a boy is in it! yay!

all in all it’s just a great cast, but my favorite is cassie, otherwise known as hannah murray. she’s basically the most fucked up and sweet and interesting character on that show.

“oh, wow. lovely.”

now i don’t want to mislead you, she does not play a lesbian, but does want to try pussy as she so eloquently puts it. fuckin’ awesome.

i can’t say enough good things about this show, it’s gay friendly and sex friendly. i wish it had been around when i was a teenager. saved by the bell really did nothing for my sex life.

vagina day

basically i’ve never really understood valentine’s day. i’ve never really celebrated v day. but now i’m working with a bunch of women who love valentine’s day. i showed up to work on monday with an office commandeered with cupcakes and chocolate dipped strawberries and pink lip glosses and heart shaped soaps and little valentine cards. despite myself, i got into it. and i get the whole argument that it’s a commercialized, made up holiday in order to get us to spend money, but then again i really like the idea of just having an excuse to celebrate. anything. i mean, who cares? who cares if it’s made up? who cares if your heart has been broken? or if you are single and despondent? (the two always coincide, by the way) it may just be a day to wear red and eat cupcakes, drink fizzy pink drinks and go to the vagina monologues with a bunch of single gays. when i think about it in those terms, hell ya! hell ya i’m down with valentine’s day.

bring on president’s day!

lesbian crossroads

remember alice’s little lesbian map? (well it wasn’t so little)

Anyhow i was reminded of the map/chart/whatever recently when i went to a superbowl party and found out an aquaintance whom i’ve known for years is, what do you know? a bisexual. and is, in fact “seeing” (quotes mean i’m using that word loosely) a woman who’s girlfriend i recently chatted up at the bar.  are you following this? cause i barely am.

then the other night i was out with another girl i’m “seeing.” we were parting ways outside of a restaurant when another woman i had been “seeing” walked by. we made eye contact and i received a bit of a death glare. it was totes awkward, but because i’m clearly a pro i played it off nicely.

i realize i’m making myself sound like shane right now, which by the way is so sadly not the case- i’m more like jenny’s creepy assistant who is pretending to be someone she’s not.

but now i’m totally missing the l word, so i have to go to netflix now.

Why did you save her, after all the terrible things she did to you?

due to some odd events in my life i’ve had my not-so-distant past catch up with me a bit. not in my favorite way.  so it’s got me thinking about relationships and how sometimes you meet people that just have a funny way of popping up or getting under your skin or having exes that stalk you. i went and saw blue valentine this week. it did a few things:

1) cemented all of my fears about commitment.

2) renewed my dawson’s creek love for michelle williams.

3) made me realize i would fuck ryan gosling.

4) depressed the shit out of me.

5) got me thinking about gender roles and relationships.

this was my favorite quote from the movie: dean says, “I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around.”

i think perhaps there is quite a bit of truth there. then again, what the fuck do i know? i’m a gay gal who will probably never get married and knows very little about guys. but i do know a little about being afraid of being alone and in a way, dean is sort of saying we all reach a point where we don’t want that anymore. even if that person hurts us. even if that person sucks. even if you do leave or are left, you still hold on… a bit.

funny ladies

phyliss diller is my idol. she, SHE fucking paved the way- not just for female comediennes, but for comedians in general.  she was possibly the first to do mother-in-law jokes- that is as a woman making fun of a woman, not a man making fun of his mother-in-law.  she also dig great digs at her husband “fang.” this woman was incredible. she had 6 kids which she had in tow while she traveled around the country doing stand up. uhmazing. she was also fabulous in a drag queen sort of way. well drag queen to me.  most people of her time would call her a clown. even she stated that she always wore gloves, cause all clowns wear gloves. i had the opportunity to sneak a peak of this real deal once. i treasure that peek. she’s 93 ya’ll.

even before diller there was jean carroll, who joked about marriage, shopping, cleaning- everything that was “woman’s work” and too taboo to talk about. jean had no problem kickin herself off any fabricated pedestal. (can’t find video of her sadly, even though she had her own t.v. show) love this joke though:

“The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride,” one of her best-known bits went. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.”

jean died just one year ago.

and let’s not forget rusty warren. first of all, the name. god i love a rusty. the mother of the song, “bounce your boobies.” apparently, her homage to the sexual revolution and chuckin those bras! yeah. this woman was genius. not to mention, she’s a native phoenician, so dear to my heart.

and if you have a moment, you really should listen to that song cause it’s fabulous. right here for boobies. and good for her livin up retirement in hawaii.

thanks ladies, i personally owe you a lot.