is barbarella any good on sunday night?

it can be. it sure can be. and to be honest it normally involves beer.

so, have you tried this?

cause it changed my life today. a very pretty boy waiter convinced me to try it, so of course i didn’t trust him, because what does he know? and when the beer came out i saw that it was a bit darker then i normally like. i like ’em blonde, what can i say? with trepidation i took a small taste and then happiness and love unfolded in my mouth. henceforth on the seventh day there shall be drifter’s pale ale.

sometimes stereotypes based on gender or sexuality make me cringe, but there are few i’m down with. lesbians like beer.

keepin’ it real

i have been ignoring this blog.

i believe the reason is three fold:

1. i caught a little bug called apathy
2. i’m not sure this blog is going in the direction i wanted
3. i am not writing this blog for myself. i write it for someone else. an imaginary person. and that is not healthy.

so if i have officially frightened you off and/or convinced you that psychoanalysis and copious amounts of drugs are in order…… well then, TA DA!

so i have decided to earnestly reconsider how i go about this blog. and believe you me, i have no idea what that means. but i do know that i would like to be a bit more personal. and i’m tired of imaginary persons.  you see i suffer from the commonly and over victimized diagnosis of paralyzing fear and paranoia that i will die alone.  i think most people have this fear to some degree.  but i must say it has been a voice in my head for as long as i can remember.

some things to know about me: i am a serial mover. that’s right. it’s impossible for me to stay in one place for longer than about 6 months- a year if i’m very lucky. at first i thought this gypsy like (not meant to be offensive) thing i had going on was based on some predestined path i was supposed to be on.  i was constantly searching and hoping, with god’s help that i would get on that path, stay on it, and ultimately find someone else to join me hand in hand.

well….then i released god from that responsibility. i no longer believe if i’m a certain kind of gal then god will bless me with a certain kind of guy. bleck. finally got over that weird thing and realized i don’t even want the hand i’m holding to be a man hand. but this flailing, this inability to dig roots, this fear now seems to be a bit more metaphysical. meaning my reality is that i’m alone therefore my reality is that i will always be alone. and this causes me to attempt to change my reality on a fairly regular basis, by packing up and going to the next place. but then i always end up in the same place in my head. i might add here that i have a lot of wonderful friends and a lovely family- which means i’m not really alone in the true sense of the word. but i like the word partner. i want a partner.

i was in love once. and it was awful but it was also beautiful. but mostly awful. i took away a lot from that experience, the most predominant thing being that it felt right having someone close to me. it felt right being around a person i loved. i loved her so much, my stomach would flutter every time i heard her walking down the stairs. i missed her sleeping next to me so much that i really don’t think i slept for months after it was all over because i physically ached to be next to her. i actually think i fell a little bit in love with her the first moment i saw her. there are things about her that seem etched in my mind, like how her hands looked or the way she rubbed her eyes. and you know, the reality is, ours was not this big love story. it wasn’t blissful. it was hard. and it was painful. and she hurt me.  and looking back i’m a little ashamed that i let that go on. but i’m also happy that i got to experience this kind of love that really is blind. there is something dangerous, very dangerous about that and yet there is also something very sweet and quite beautiful about it too. yes, i think she loved me. but it was never right, i just yearned for it to be so. and so i stayed and went back or answered the phone or did what most of us are guilty of doing at one point or another when the option we face is quite bleak: take-out for one.

i know love isn’t this perfect entity that only the lucky and the beautiful get to partake in. and i also know that i can no longer base my actions or my fear of taking certain moves (even if that means staying put) on this precipice of finding the love of my life. i do know that this is layered and it’s going to take some time. i could not have written this a month ago. i would not have been able to talk about being alone. or how i once was not alone. this entry is entirely and completely written to me- goodbye imaginary person i’m about to start keepin it real.

music mommas

i did a whole lot of movie watching over the weekend. my roommate and i decided to watch, but i’m a cheerleader, directed by jamie babbit. it’s been playing on showtime for a little bit. it’s been years since i have seen this movie and it’s john water’s-like art direction and campy gay characters are still wonderful. natasha lyonne and clea duvall do a great job showcasing a teenage girl love story.  i had forgotten how utterly sweet they are together. there is this little love scene between the two with a song called Glass Vase Cello Case performed by Tattle Tale playing in the background.

heart melting. so i thought i’d see what tattle tale has been up to.  madigan shive and jen wood made up the duo when they were mere kids themselves. they formed moon puss records, which is actually a very clever name.  they have since gone their separate ways and in fact, madigan shive is playing a show here in l.a. in a couple of weeks. i might just stop by to see what she can really do with a cello.

i really do love the cello. and when a lady plays the cello, it’s like watching a lady play a lady. sublime

To the Mathmos with this winged fruitcake!

do these shoes make me look gay?

god i love these shoes. i feel like they need to come out of my closet with me and wear them in remembrance of the day god gifted the earth with a rainbow after killing everything and everyone on this blessed earth. remember that? or maybe they need to celebrate the fact that summer is upon us and gay pride’s are starting this weekend (vegas and phoenix). or maybe i just need them to come out so that i can reclaim my own lesbian self. naturally these shoes are not just for gay girls, but…. come on, most of us can’t help but at least have a fleeting thought about “the gays” whenever a rainbow is used decoratively. i always have loved expressing myself with shoes- this just takes it to a whole other level.

*** shoes are by shelly’s of london

just fucking friday

i have really been into break up music lately. perhaps it was last weekend’s inspiration. but to be honest i have a whole lot of music that revolves around dissolving relationships.  i have a theory about this. i really think that when we go through something huge like heartbreak or a death (and sometimes they feel the same) we tap into something, almost like a passion that is stronger than love even. we learn about ourselves, we learn about the other person, the world suddenly unravels itself to us a little more. and if you happen to be a musician i think this is the best time to write some music. and other people respond to that fervency whether it’s rage or infatuation.  lately i’ve been listening to frightened rabbit’s the midnight organ fight album and um….it’s brilliant. i’m obsessed with their song my backward’s walk. oh. my. god. “I’m working hard on walking out. Shoes keep sticking to the ground. My clothes won’t let me close the door. These trousers seem to love your floor. You’re the shit and i’m knee deep in it.”

but it’s their song keep yourself warm that i really wanted to talk about.

Oh, you won’t find love in a,
Won’t find love in a hole.
It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm.
I’m drunk, I’m drunk
And you’re probably on pills
If we’ve both got the same diseases
It’s irrelevant girl
And the room fills with steam
Oh, evaporates disappears
My point of entry is the same way
That I leave

so yeah, you won’t find love in a hole. i like the bluntness of that line. but it got me thinking about sex and love. so love and sex can be two separate entities. or they can be the same. sex is like this primal sort of need. is love? i mean i feel like everyone wants to be loved, but does everyone need to have love? am i lacking or suffering as a person if i don’t have a person in my life that loves me and to whom i reciprocate that love? and where does sex fit in? i sort of believe sex is better when you are in love with the person, but then again i don’t have much to go on. and i might be brainwashed.  i can honestly say i’ve never just fucked someone just because, probably out of fear more than anything else, not because i believe it’s wrong or amoral. i just don’t even think i would know how to do that. and sometimes i wish i would. you know, be a little reckless, wake up the next morning full of regret. alas, i never did those things that most normal people did in late adolescence and maybe that’s okay too. well it has to be. so fucking and sex and love, shame, regret and holes are all just the way it is.

singin hallelujah with a fear in your heart

i’ve been catching up on the tudors, since the final season started on showtime sunday night. i love this show because i think it does a particularly good job showing how personal greed and desire for power is what really drives politics. it demonstrates how one side is not all good and the other not all bad. there is a whole lot of grey area. there is also a whole lot of ugly.  the reformation essentially began with henry VIII, because he wanted a divorce. he got his divorce and an excommunication from the catholic church.

(yeah that’s hollywood sexy anne boleyn- henry wanted to marry that girl! and then he had her decapitated later. boo.)

it’s sort of amazing to think what this western world would be like if the catholic church still had the kind of clutches on people that it did in those days. i know the catholic church is still frighteningly powerful, but it is not like it used to be. thank god. or whatever. because they represent a lot of pain for a lot of people. for example: cardinal tarsicio bertone decided it was important to tell the world that homosexuality is directly related to pedophilia. interesting. so yeah, i personally don’t have any direct ties to the catholic church, nor does my family not for decades and decades anyway. and i’m glad. it’s ignorant, perverse and untrue comments like these that cause irreparable damage.  a couple of years ago when i was in grad school i was astounded and hurt that if a topic regarding anything LGBT related came up, the conversation almost invariably went in the direction of pedophilia. in one such discussion, i brought this point up. of course i was chastised and told that was not the point of the discussion and no one was accusing gays of being perverts. but i reiterated that one must question WHY the two topics often went hand in hand, preceded one another, spoke of in the same breath.  this was offensive and should be considered, not just brushed aside.  after class, one of my cohort came up to me and thanked me.  she said i was absolutely right and she had never ever even thought about it or the negative impact it has- especially in a supposed academic forum. so yeah catholic church- take that. you may have a voice that effects thousands, but i have one too even if it only effects one.

fridays are fucking fabulous

oh religion.

i’ve talked a little about my relationship with religion and one thing i try to be careful of is making really definitive statements- i feel like they always come in bite you in the ass. but i am always tempted to make strong, really strong statements about religion. but mostly i just say this, “no thanks.” and i don’t care what religion it is, or how lovely and inclusive or free thinking and peaceful it may seem. for me, right now, i refuse to live within the confines of any religious dogma. and i know some religions “allow” women in their clergy and i know there are some gays preaching the word of god, but i also know what it’s like to be a part of a system that inspires free thinkers to subject themselves to harmful and prejudice practices. primarily, self loathing.

hilarious onion article alert! “Gay Teen Worried He Might Be a Christian.”

some may think i’m blasphemous and inconsiderate and that is not the point of this blog or any entry, this is my own personal process. so this weekend i will not be celebrating the resurrection of christ, but i will indeed be celebrating ham!

delicious, delicious ham

music mommas

woa! this day is half way over and i’m just barely through my emails, so in the vein of catching up, how about a little telephone. featuring two of barbarella’s favorite mommas- lady gaga and beyonce.

click on that above link because for some reason i can’t figure out how to post it and i’m too busy to figure it out and i will start swearing soon, but enjoy these pics instead and note the fantastic hot mess prison scene in the video.

shabbat shalom

so it is the last day of my lovely unpaid four week vacation. and it has been truly wonderful. i am all about not working. the thing is i’m a working gal. i have always worked- save a little stint while i was in grad school (which was short lived). i was that kid who had a job at 15 and before that was always trying to find ways to make money- reason being: i like to shop. and i still do, however, there are other things i like to do now. i like to take walks, i love to go the beach, i like to quilt, i like to read and i love to cook. (god i sound like a victorian socialite). so this little sabbath day post is kind of an important one to me- it’s a bit of an update. i feel my life priorities shifting a bit and i really owe that to my job, who didn’t want to pay me for four weeks and sent me on my way to discover this: i don’t need to make a lot of money. i need to prioritize things and do what is most important: keep my family and friends close and make sure i get to the ocean at least once a week.

fridays are fucking fabulous

movie day! yup, i’m off to be entertained and today it will be with chloe. this movie is looking super hot, so hopefully it will pay off. but you know the frenchies, they can usually pull off a sexy movie.

yeah, amanda seyfried and julianne moore? yes please.